day 4: tension

Tension because COP28 is coming to a close and the draft deal released today does not mention the phase-out of fossil fuels.

Tension because I feel imposter syndrome, like I am unable to form an opinion on policy because there are certain words I can and cannot say so I get scared and worry that the words would not even matter because I am only 23 years old.

Tension because I know that's not true.

Tension because 12-year-old activist Licypriya Kangujam has more courage than government leaders and CEOs, and when she speaks the truth, she is detained and de-badged.

Tension because there have been demonstrations every day at COP questioning the legitimacy of the United Nations — a body that won't intervene in an ongoing genocide or stop a mass extinction — but I do not see them in my virtual participation because the UAE, the UN, whoever it is, does not want me to see them.

Tension because I don't know what it means to be a diplomatic, respectful delegate when I would much rather scream and shut down plenaries to demand the powerful look me in the eye and tell me in everyday words the damage they are going to do to my future.

Tension because I am told things are moving faster than ever, and it gives me hope for a while, but then I think that this pace is not enough.

Tension because I do not want to seem ungrateful but why should I be grateful that the world is still burning, but maybe slightly slower?

Tension because today is a global strike for Palestine, but COP28 proceedings went on.

Tension because genocide in Gaza is a climate justice issue, and the climate crisis is urgent, so the proceedings must go on.

Tension because I don't believe that any COP will stop the crisis anyway. Any crisis. So must they go on?

Tension because I wonder if bringing the frustration and knowledge of the UN's futility to the UN is still critical to making change.

Tension because people are dying and will continue to die. From airstrikes, from drought, from asphyxiation under rubble, from floods, from bullets, from disease, from hatred, from greed. And I sit in my seminary library, writing a blogpost, having just finished a paper about the coal industry.

I feel the tension in my shoulders, in my back which has been spasming all afternoon. It's in my eyes that strain to watch webcasts before it is light outside and it's in my legs that grow stiff sitting in one place feeling paralyzed by what all I could do and what all I am not doing.

This is not to victimize us who have roofs over our heads and food to eat, who do what we can from places of general stability. This is just an honest reflection.

I'd like to lose the tension from my body but not from my mind. I want to continue to ask questions and learn and poke holes. I'd like the tension to be like the tension in a slingshot pulled back. I'd like to be catapulted in a new direction with confidence, humility, and the ability to hold a whole lot in one palm.